About six months after I had my first son, I hit my stride.  I had the mothering thing down.  I was a beacon of child rearing “knowledge”.  I approached bearing and raising a baby just as I had prepared for college finals.  Read the book and come ready for anything. 
 So about five minutes into motherhood, [...]

On the first day of Christmas,
My children gave to me
a basket full of dirty laundry.
 
On the second day of Christmas,
My children gave to me,
Two mismatched gloves
and a basket-full of dirty  laundry.
 
On the third day of Christmas
my children gave to me,
Three leaky pens
Two mismatched gloves,
and a basketful of dirty laundry.
 
On the fourth day of Christmas
my children [...]

 
Dear Hannah,
 
We have never met but someone we both love lead me to you. I suppose I should begin with an apology. I read you story many times before I had children. Only a few after I became a mother. Frankly, I felt great anxiety when I read about you giving away your little boy. [...]

My husband is my best friend.  Has been since I was eleven years old. From the innocent romance of the preteen years to the stormy teen years, it is nearly impossible to remember a time I did not love him.  We survived teen marriage, the newlywed years, disabled children and many other sorrows.  Although I have changed and grown, one thing has stayed the same.  I [...]

I screw up.  A lot.  Way more than I would like to admit.  I start out with these fantastic, albeit unrealistic goals and then a few weeks later, my enthusiasm has fizzled out.  It happens.
Today I read something that sums up the past year of my life.  Written by Oprah Winfrey.   I am not a [...]

“You cannot fly.  I promise.  If you could, you would have already”
“Son, if it hurts when you hit yourself in the head…stop.”
“Point it toward the water!”
“Yes.  I see your penis.  Congratulations.”
“Glasses are for drinking out of- NOT peeing in!”
“I love that you are sharing, but the dog doesn’t need any more icecream.”
“Son, pee in the bathroom.  [...]

Overwhelming Wilma:  Stakes out the doors and fire exits looking for visitors.  Shoves people to the ground in order to make contact with anyone she has yet to plaster with a blue “Member” name tag.  She has a supernatural ability to take your contact information and sign you up for the church softball team at the same time.  Church [...]

I confess I have killed many, many plants. 
I confess that I sometimes laugh at really inappropriate times, like a funeral and church. 
I confess that I was kicked out of a Lamaze class for cracking jokes with my husband. I didn’t even get a refund!
I confess that I freak out if someone bumps me from behind when standing in a [...]

Because I have children:
I know that one can drink 24 ounces of Febreeze and not be poisoned.  Febreeze is made from corn and is non toxic.  However, your poop will smell like Febreeze for a week afterward.  Courtesy of Zane.
I know that if you are the third car in line at McDonald’s your order will [...]