(This, I promise, is my first and last Halloween post.) 

With all the talk around about Haunted Houses and truly scary Halloween fare, I have decided that these things are child’s play. Anyone can create an area full of pseudo blood and gore.  Chills and thrills that induce screams, then giggles.  People dressed as psychotic dentists and slutty undead secretaries can give one pause. But for a truly horrific memory, real life is the well to draw from.  A real Haunted House, one designed to cause sleeplessness for the next 7 weeks,  would have the following:

Room #1  Bend Over and Cough 

Welcome to a severely lit room full of hard, plastic orange and yellow chairs.  Take a seat and peruse an abundance of Golf Digest.  You can start to relax.  There is ESPN playing in the corner next to cute framed poster of kitten, dangling precariously from a rope, entitled “Hang in there Buddy!”.  Perhaps there has been a mistake. This room doesn’t seem so bad. Not even remotely scary.

Suddenly a strange sculpture catches your eye. You lean closer to get a better look . Finding it to be an anatomically correct portion of anatomy with the following words inscribed “Your Proctologist and You, Friends for life!”  

Welcome to the horror.  

Room #2  Voices of Terror  After the sterile environment you just left, this room is quite comfortable.  A dark leather couch sits in the middle of a empty room.  You sit down, waiting for a jarring noise to shatter the peace.  Nothing comes. You listen harder. Certain that you will not be surprised when someone dressed as a genetically mutated axe wielding pumpkin jumps out of the darkness.  Nothing happens. 

From the darkness you begin to hear voices. Softly at first, then much louder.  ”Mom!! Jimmy swallowed his turtle!” “Honey, how long has your car been leaking oil?”  “Dad, how much does it cost to get a new car bumper?” “Mrs. Smith, Tommy bit another child at school today. AGAIN.” “LOOK what I found under our table! Chicken nuggets!” “Mommy there are bugs living in my hair!”  “We need to talk about our relationship.” 

The room fills with needs you cannot possibly meet.  Not to mention a few you’d like to pretend you didn’t hear.  Sweat and anxiety pour forth from you like river.  Is it hot in here? I think those walls are getting closer to you.  Run.  

Whew.  On to the next room.

Room #3 Drive Baby, Drive 

Open the door and step into a super clean garage.  Inside sits a mint 1968 Shelby Cobra. Beautiful, clean, fast and yours…if you can teach a teenager to be a responsible driver in 9 minutes.  Sounds like a deal! 

Here comes contestant number one!  She’s a hard studying young girl named Kim from Seattle.  Kim’s parents have given up trying to teach her to drive after several unfortunate incidents involving a neighbor’s mailbox, a partially blind raccoon and a  head strong paper boy.   Your mission is to turn Kim into a confident and responsible driver while she is texting her BFF and IM’ ing her Boo.  Kim will also be wearing dark sunglasses, in total darkness,  because ”That’s how she rolls, Duh.” 

You and Kim climb into the car and you begin to give basic operating instructions.  Unfortunately, Kim will not hear any of them.  She is adjusting all car mirrors so she can see three different views of her hair at once.  ”Buckle Up” you say.  She hears “Turn it up!” and cranks the car stereo so loud, blood begins to leak from your ears.

“KIM! Look at me if you can hear what I am saying!” you yell in her direction. She shows no sign of movement.  Unless you count her jerking body motions occuring when Justin Timberlake croons “I thought I told ya, what goes around comes back around..” 

Kim, you notice, if furiously pecking on her phone. Curiosity overcomes you.  Leaning closer you find her Tweeting the following : OMG.  SUM OLD PEEP  LOOKIN @ MEE! GRO D!

You get out of the car.  Life is just too short.

Room # 4  Payday Mayhem 

This room appears to be heavenly.  Money streams down from the ceiling.  You walk around and gather up bills.  A small sign near the door says “Take it. You earned it.”  Ah, now this is a good room…

Walking through the darkness with a bundle of cash, you’re feelin pretty good.  You start thinking about all the good  things you could do with this money. Give some to church, Grandma Jeannie, and maybe even take your sweetie out to dinner. 

Two steps in front of you there stands a sweet looking little girl.  She tells you she is raising money for soccer camp.  You hand her a few dollars and say “Have a good time.” She skips off into the dark.  Three more steps and there are two more kids.  “We are selling small quantities of popcorn and some very overpriced magazines for a good cause too!”  “Well..um..” you stutter. 

In a flash you are surrounded by a ton of people.  A cable guy, Tire Shop owner, three of your offspring, a second cousin twice removed who is graduating AND having a new baby, a representative from the electric company and mortgage lender. On and on they come, taking hunks out of your dwindling supply. 

 The commotion dies down and these folks wonder off. In your hand you hold $127 dollars and a note that reads “Hope you enjoyed your pay day! The remaining money can be used for groceries and fuel.  Or whatever you decide to blow your money on. Now get back to work. ”

AGHH!!!!

Room # 5 - Well, there is no room number 5.  You really need to find it too! Your kids are in there drinking gallons of Mountain Dew at 9:20, on a school night no less.   Hurry! It’s a dollar for every minute that passes before you pick up your children!  By the way, if you were a good parent, you would have been there ten minutes ago to help clean up after your kids. 

You know, Suzy Johnson’s mom not only single handedly planned this event, but hand carved the eco friendly jack o lanterns with her own lead free car keys.  For the children.  That woman! A saint I tell you.  She is CEO of her own business and still volunteers every day at school.  No wonder her children are so smart and athletic.  Just shows how well children turn out when the parents ”care”.  By the way, you did remember that you were supposed to bake a dozen cookies in the shape of Venezuela for little Mindy’s presentation on our global economy, right?  We will need those cookies by 7:00 a.m. because our chemistry department must test each cookie to make sure it contains no hydrogenated oils.    Food allergies, you know.

AH! I have to stop.  I am scaring myself! : )